to be angry.

I started this blog to write my way out of my the bad mental space I've been in, so I won't make apologies for it mostly being me complaining to an empty room. I'm angry. ANGRY. Or maybe just unhappy? I feel like I have been in this unhappy, borderline angry state for awhile, longer than I have experienced before. Maybe it's SADs. Winter definitely has me down, but maybe it's more than that. 

I've narrowed the negative influences in my life to work and love. I hate my job. I hate it more than I think I have ever hated anything or anyone in my life, including my cheating ex and breakfast sausage. I accepted this job purely on the fact that it was a huge bump in pay but as the cliche says, money can't buy happiness. Week after week, project after project, I find myself dreading walking in the door. The people I work with, most are fine, but the rest ruin it for everyone. Swelled egos and condescension, sexism, boredom. My frustration with an inconsiderate project manager hit an all time high yesterday that I wasn't sure if I wanted to walk into my boss's office and quit on the spot or walk out the door into oncoming traffic. I need to get out, so I did the healthyist thing I could and applied for a transfer. Fingers crossed xxx

Love on the other hand. I don't get, I'm not good at it, I just can't. Tinder, bumble ok cupid, match, I've tried, I hated it, I'm not cut out for finding love online. I've been in Chicago three years. Three long, loveless years of first and second dates that pan out to nothing. Endless swiping with the hope of finding compatibility when all you are judging people on is looks and proximity. You might as well just flip a coin. Heads its love, tails its a serial killer. Good luck!

It's actually quite vulgar, the way dating is executed these days. I was on the train the other day, stealthily watching over a guy's shoulder, as he swiped on tinder. Beautiful girl after beautiful girl in their twenties popped up and he paused briefly on a picture or two of each, judging them purely on looks, swiping immediately left on girls who were remotely chubby or unattractive. In fact, he swiped left more often than not on all the beautiful women as well. This guy, mediocre at best, skinny, white, probably an accountant, offering nothing but expecting everything in return. How is that for the dating pool? But how can I even be mad? Women are no better. We have melted dating down to pictures and single line bios or no bios at all and I am not here for it.

Shout out to all of the people who still believe in the possibility of love offline, I hope your search is more fruitful than mine has been. I think Chicago isn't where I find love. The men here aren't my kind of men. I actually know that there are men out there who are my kind of men. In fact when I travel, i have no problem meeting men of interest, interested in me. But maybe that is because I am more relaxed, away from a job I hate and a city that takes everything out of you. I recently had an infatuation with a man I met over the summer but he was unfortunately from out of town. However, keeping something going purely online, long distance, isnt sustainable.

So here I am, alone again, frustrated in love, frustrated in work, in need of a shake up in life.