to be flawed.

I refuse to accept that I have PCOS. PCOS, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. A genetic curse, a sucker punch to femininity. Weight gain, unwanted hair, hair loss, mood swings, fertility issues. It basically takes every insecurity that comes with being a woman, and amplifies those insecurities and adds on new ones.

I have seen 6 gynocologists, 2 endocrinologist, and three general practitioners in the last 9 years. 9 years ago, I stopped getting my monthly cycle. I was 20. I was the happiest I remember being. In love, rocking college, healthy social life, skinniest i've been, all around doing well. I thought I was pregnant, I was terrified that I could be pregnant. My life could have changed so drastically but instead it was so much worse.

Everything came crumbling down. Weight gain, mood swings, insecurity, jealousy spurred from insecurities are all terrible for a relationship, but what's worse is the conversation that I might not be able to have kids. The kiss of death to a relationship with a man who wanted nothing more than to get married and have a family. I was so in love. Four years, the one who could have been the one, ended, for reasons largely stemming from my new found jealousy and insecurities.

PCOS is a sham of a diagnosis. 9 years, countless blood tests with no clear indication of an issue, one diagnosis by elimination, and no cure. Lose weight. Lose 15% of your body weight. Ignore the fact that the treatment is going against one of the main symptoms of the diagnosis. Don't worry about how frustrating it is to be reminded every month that your body is failing at being a woman every time you don't get your period. Don't think about the fact that you feel completely incapable of being in a functional relationship with a man because every time you have to tell them about the potential for infertility issues you see that look in their eye that you aren't enough. Don't worry that this over arching, bullshit diagnosis with absolutely no valid treatment, has the full capability to take away a future you had so clearly in your grasp.

Don't worry, life isn't fair.